Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
