I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
