my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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