Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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