he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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