Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
