I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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