Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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