I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
