Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
