there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
