she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
