I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
