i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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