how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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