this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
