Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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