in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
