just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
