Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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