The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
