I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
