i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
