I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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