my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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