rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
