Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
