I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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