I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
