Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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