dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
