cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
