I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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