Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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