Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish I could punch you in the face.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize