he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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