Pants 0. Shit 1.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
