i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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