So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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