My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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