I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
