The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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