someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
