how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
