I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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