How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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