Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
