i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
