then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So vagazzling was a success
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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