Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
