Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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