The maid of honor just puked.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
