My friends, they love my intelligence
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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