I just made out with a guy for $7.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
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Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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